Friday, 23 January 2015

Word for the year update: Nourish

who ate all the pie?
When I picked “nourish” as my word for the year I somehow blanked on how this is a pretty weird word for me to pick based on my life to date.  I have a difficult relationship with food and my body so choosing to care for these things properly, well it is a bit of a challenge for me.

I do not need to iterate the long battles with food and body image here on the blog but I have a history of disordered eating (skipping most meals, binging until I vomited, you get the idea) and always wanting to be smaller. I spent a large part of my life thinking I would be better if I was smaller. At some point a psychologist thought my desire to remove my breasts, hips and bum was related to gender identity, but it was because I just saw them as fat. It was not about not wanting to be female, but I saw those things as fat and I saw fat as weakness. I still do to an extent, even though I know this is a limiting belief that I would love to let go of.

As such the concept of nourishing my body is one that it pretty much alien to me.  I tend to either want to push through with caffeine and sugar and fat, or starve myself. I have a feast or famine, binge/purge relationship with food and the idea of nutrients is something I intellectually know but have not fully internalised it.  

So this leaves me with the fear I face with the word for the year “nourish”: how do I make it actually about nourishment and not another way to have a disordered relationship with food and my body?
I still do not have the answer to that to be honest. I have struggled with finding a way to have a healthy relationship with food for about 12 years now and I hope I am getting there.  I can enjoy food now, but more often than not I just wolf it down to ensure I eat it. I have a massive fear of mindful eating because for me this can easily turn weird and upsetting. 

But this year food is only part of the intention set out in this word.  It is about nourishing my soul as well and I hope that in doing this I can find a way to deal with this. So far through doing that I realised that a lot of the things I am carrying around is not even mine, so I don't need to keep carrying it. That has been a pretty freeing realisation, but does not stop the hard work involved in making that meaningful. Hopefully though, this hard work will pay off and I will feel a whole lot better  by this time next year.

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Turning the Tables

Or how I painted a table.

In my January Goals post I said I planned on completing my table project. This was to update the plain pine table we got from IKEA back in 2012 and making it a much better looking thing for our home. I had long dreamed of using neon or fluorescent pink paint for this and finally this month I bit the bullet and actually did it!

But how? Here is how

1. First I sanded and prepped the wood, making sure it was clean and ready for paint.  Then I tipped the table over as I was only painting the legs and made sure the floor was protected around the table so I did not ruin it.  After that I painted a coat of primer on the table like so:

2.  I chose white primer as neon paint works best on a white or pale background. Due to impatience I only used one coat of the primer as it takes 16 hours to dry, but if I was doing it again I think I would do two thin coats of primer to ensure there was nice even coat before I got to the next stage, painting on the pink paint.

3. The pink paint only took 2 hours to dry between coats and in this case it took three coats to get the desired colour and finish.  To be honest I think it could do with a fourth coat to catch a few imperfections but for now it is looking pretty darned good.

4.  I then protected the finish with clear furniture wax, sanded the top of the table and protected that as well to give it a longer lasting finish. I think I will go over this again with a few coats of matte varnish as we use the table a lot!

5. After that I stuck on a Goat album and danced around my living room to celebrate what I had done. This step is completely optional.

My next plan is to do something with the chairs to go with the table.  What do you think?

Monday, 19 January 2015

Monday Music: Cat's Eyes

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard a beautiful dreamy song, which I immediately looked up.  The song was by Cat's Eyes and is for the soundtrack to the very particular sounding Peter Strickland film the Duke of Burgundy (trailer linked may be NSFW for some folk). The look and feel of the film are very stylised and I am hoping to get to see it when it comes out.

Here is the song, Cat's Eyes are a duo formed of Faris Badwan (from The Horrors) and multi-instrumentalist soprano and composer Rachel Zeffira. I hope you enjoy the dreamlike state it puts you in this Monday morning. Though it may make you just want to go back to sleep!

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