|who ate all the pie?|
When I picked “nourish” as my word for the year I somehow blanked on how this is a pretty weird word for me to pick based on my life to date. I have a difficult relationship with food and my body so choosing to care for these things properly, well it is a bit of a challenge for me.
I do not need to iterate the long battles with food and body image here on the blog but I have a history of disordered eating (skipping most meals, binging until I vomited, you get the idea) and always wanting to be smaller. I spent a large part of my life thinking I would be better if I was smaller. At some point a psychologist thought my desire to remove my breasts, hips and bum was related to gender identity, but it was because I just saw them as fat. It was not about not wanting to be female, but I saw those things as fat and I saw fat as weakness. I still do to an extent, even though I know this is a limiting belief that I would love to let go of.
As such the concept of nourishing my body is one that it pretty much alien to me. I tend to either want to push through with caffeine and sugar and fat, or starve myself. I have a feast or famine, binge/purge relationship with food and the idea of nutrients is something I intellectually know but have not fully internalised it.
So this leaves me with the fear I face with the word for the year “nourish”: how do I make it actually about nourishment and not another way to have a disordered relationship with food and my body?
I still do not have the answer to that to be honest. I have struggled with finding a way to have a healthy relationship with food for about 12 years now and I hope I am getting there. I can enjoy food now, but more often than not I just wolf it down to ensure I eat it. I have a massive fear of mindful eating because for me this can easily turn weird and upsetting.
But this year food is only part of the intention set out in this word. It is about nourishing my soul as well and I hope that in doing this I can find a way to deal with this. So far through doing that I realised that a lot of the things I am carrying around is not even mine, so I don't need to keep carrying it. That has been a pretty freeing realisation, but does not stop the hard work involved in making that meaningful. Hopefully though, this hard work will pay off and I will feel a whole lot better by this time next year.